Funny Emails

Every so often, we might find a joke, cartoon or experience that is both funny and shareable. Post them here, and see if others can chuckle too.
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DM1
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Funny Emails

Post by DM1 » Sat May 30, 2015 8:11 pm

Random thoughts as we age



The biggest lie I tell myself is ..."I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes and come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!

I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!

I don't need anger management. I need people to stop making me mad!

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!

I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights." I'm just very wise.

My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".

I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.

Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound!

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came there for.

Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree ... that makes it a plant which means ... chocolate is salad!!!

And, of course… Have I sent this to you already… or did you send this to me?
5 x

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DM1
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Re: Funny Emails

Post by DM1 » Sat Jun 13, 2015 11:35 pm

Subject: FW: Aphorism


Aphorism - a short, pointed sentence that expresses a wise or clever
observation or a general truth.


1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts
tomorrow.

2. Money will buy a fine dog but only kindness will make him wag his
tail.

3. If you don't have a sense of humor you probably don't have any
sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the
dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how
many people a company can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone
else looks?

9. Stroke a cat and you will have a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy who wants to
buy a car.

11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4
a.m. for example, it could be the right number.

13. No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

14. I've reached the age where 'happy hour' is a nap.

15. Be careful about reading the fine print there's no way you're
going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same
size bucket.

17. Do you realize that, in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of
old ladies running around with tattoos?

18. Money can't buy happiness but somehow it's more comfortable to cry
in a Cadillac than in a VW.

19. After 60, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you're
probably dead.

20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don't mind and
the ones that mind don't matter.

21. Life isn't tied with a bow but it's still a gift.
4 x

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DM1
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Re: Funny Emails

Post by DM1 » Wed Jun 24, 2015 4:35 am

Ramblings of a Retired Mind

I found this timely, because today I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses. A young lady walks over to me and asks, "what brings you in today?" I looked at her, and said, I'm interested in buying a refrigerator. She didn't quite know how to respond. Am I getting to be that age?

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So I'm wearing my garage door opener.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it 'Pumping Rust'.

When people see a cat's litter box they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?' Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'An ambulance.'

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

Birds of a feather flock together and then crap on your car.

The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs...'

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their "odometers." Not me. I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Ah! Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable.

Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.
3 x

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DaFox
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Re: Funny Emails

Post by DaFox » Mon Jun 29, 2015 1:41 pm

It Can be Hard Keeping a Straight Face as a COURT REPORTER

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: ? ? He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: ?And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: ? ? My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: ? ? Yes.
ATTORNEY: ?And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: ? ? I forget..
ATTORNEY: ?You forget? ?Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ?Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: ?Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: ?The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: ? ? ?He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ?Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: ? ? Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
(My Favorite)
ATTORNEY: ?So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: ? ? Yes.
ATTORNEY: ?And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: ? ? Getting laid
____________________________________________
(Another favorite)
ATTORNEY: ?She had three children, right?
WITNESS: ? ? Yes.
ATTORNEY: ?How many were boys?
WITNESS: ? ?None.
ATTORNEY: ? Were there any girls?
WITNESS: ? ? ?Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ?How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: ? ? By death?
ATTORNEY: ?And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: ? ? Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ?Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: ? ? He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: ?Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: ? ? Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: ?Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: ?No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ?Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: ? ? All of them... The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ?ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: ? ? Oral...
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ?Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: ? ? The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: ?And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: ? ? If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

And last:
(Well OK, this is the best)
ATTORNEY: ?Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: ? ? No.
ATTORNEY: ?Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: ? ? No.
ATTORNEY: ?Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: ? ? No?
ATTORNEY: ?So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: ? ? No.
ATTORNEY: ?How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: ? ? Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: ?I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: ? ? Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
5 x
--

Sent via The Great Fox Trail, which is long and twisted, and generally ends where it begins.

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RustyMcNuggets
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Re: Funny Emails

Post by RustyMcNuggets » Mon Jun 29, 2015 2:59 pm

DaFox wrote:ATTORNEY: ?ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: ? ? Oral...
Oh man! I'm still giggling and rolling on that one. :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
4 x

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DM1
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Re: Funny Emails

Post by DM1 » Fri Jul 03, 2015 9:51 am

Logic from an uncluttered Mind



A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was
very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.


A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's
work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'


A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our
brothers and sisters?'
From the back, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'


One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several
strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'


I love this one!
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.’


......This little kid (below) was really doing some thinking.It appears to me that he must have thought that his teacher was "dense"!!
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head,
the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'


I LIKE THE NEXT ONE IN PARTICULAR

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun
made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE. God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples....'

It doesn't matter how many people you send this to; just remember if it made you laugh!
0 x

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DM1
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Re: Funny Emails

Post by DM1 » Sat Jul 04, 2015 7:16 pm

For Seniors and Lexophiles


"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those who have a love for playing with words to produce such gems as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless."

A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophile creations is held every year in an undisclosed location. This year's winning submission is posted at the very end:

.. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

.. The batteries were given out free of charge.

.. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

.. A will is a dead giveaway.

.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

.. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

.. Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

.. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

.. A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

.. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

.. When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.


And the cream of the twisted crop:

.. Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.
1 x

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DM1
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Re: Funny Emails

Post by DM1 » Mon Aug 24, 2015 7:27 pm

The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
To spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
Home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking
Five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
And we don't know where he is.

I like long walks,
Especially when they are taken
By people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
Is so that I could hear heavy breathing again .

I have to walk early in the morning,
Before my brain figures out what I'm doing...

I joined a health club last year,
Spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

The advantage of exercising every day
Is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
Start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise
The last few years,......
Just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
Because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much
About how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour
And by the time I leave,
I look just fine.
0 x

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DM1
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Re: Funny Emails

Post by DM1 » Fri Sep 11, 2015 7:39 pm

The Darwins Are Out!!!!
Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the "least evolved" among us .


Here Is The Glorious Winner:
1. When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And Now, The Honorable Mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6.. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
0 x

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Hortensia
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Re: Funny Emails

Post by Hortensia » Fri Sep 11, 2015 7:56 pm

I needed this. :lol:

The one about the attorneys was the best :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
2 x

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