Funny Emails

Every so often, we might find a joke, cartoon or experience that is both funny and shareable. Post them here, and see if others can chuckle too.
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RustyMcNuggets
Posts: 795
Joined: Tue Mar 24, 2015 7:10 pm
Location: Illinois

Re: Funny Emails

Postby RustyMcNuggets » Mon Dec 05, 2016 11:54 am

You may have heard these two before..

A young Indian Brave walks into his Holyman's teepee..
Brave, "Holyman, you name all the children when they are born. How do you come up with names?
Holyman, "When I hear the newborn's first cries I look out of my teepee and what I see I name them. When your father was born I looked out and saw an eagle soaring through the sky and named him Flying Eagle.."
Brave, "Wow!"
Holyman, "..and when I heard your mother's first cry I looked out and saw a family of deer passing swiftly over the field and named her Running Dear.."
Brave, "Woah!"
Holyman looks down at the curious young brave and says, "So tell me Two Dogs Screwing, why do you ask?"

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

A man is working double time at his job and desperately needs sleep.
One night he's awoken at 1:30am to a loud pounding coming from his roof.
He gets up, grabs a flashlight, walks out the front door and views the roof with his flashlight.
While he scans the roof he sees a gorilla. In disbelief he mumbles to himself, "No. That can't be right."
The man, still drowsy, wipes his eyes and shakes his head to shake the sleepiness off. He then shines the flashlight back up towards the roof. There he sees his eyes didn't deceive him, it is indeed a gorilla on his roof. "You gotta be kidding me! A gorilla?"
The man walks back inside and reaches for the phone book. He looks up "animal control" and sees they are not on call. He decides to take a million to one shot at "exterminators" and flips through the pages. Miraculously he finds "Gorilla Exterminator". He grabs the phone and calls the number listed. The exterminator answers to which the man explains he's been working double time, is in desperate need of sleep and indeed has a gorilla on his roof.
Exterminator, "Well, my partner is out of town on vacation, but if you are willing to give me a hand I can drive over and be there in ten minutes."
Man, "Sure. I can help you!"
Ten minutes later a van arrives and the Exterminator exits the van. The man meets him at his van's side door..
The exterminator opens the door. He grabs a ladder and places it against the house. He walks back to the van and grabs a baseball bat, handcuffs and a shot gun. The exterminator then let's a dog out of the van, to which the dog sits in the middle of the yard and looks straight up at the roof where the gorilla is.
Exterminator, "Here, take the shot gun and the handcuffs. I'm going to get up on the roof with this baseball bat and knock the gorilla off the roof"
Man, "Okay.."
The Exterminator points toward the dog, "When the gorilla is on the ground, that dog is trained to go after a gorilla's privates.."
Man, "Okay.."
Exterminator, "When the dog goes after the gorilla's privates that gorilla is going to try and protect it's privates by putting it's hands over it's privates. When the gorilla does that you slap the hand-cuffs on the gorilla and we're good to go. Problem solved."
Man, "Okay, but what's the shotgun for?"
Exterminator, "If I miss my swing at the gorilla and I fall off the roof, YOU SHOOT THAT FRIGGIN' DOG!"
3 x

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DM1
Posts: 1222
Joined: Sun Mar 22, 2015 9:00 pm
Location: Illinois

Re: Funny Emails

Postby DM1 » Sat Jul 08, 2017 6:20 pm

Subject: Hello Gordon's Pizza



Hello! Gordon's pizza?
- No sir this is Google's pizza.
- Sorry, I must have dialed a wrong number.
- No sir, Google bought out Gordon's Pizza a short while ago.
- OK. Take my order please.
- OK sir, would you like your usual?
- The usual? You know me?
- According to our caller-ID database, your last 12 orders were for pizza with cheese and sausage toppings, thick crust and crisp.
- OK! That's it..
- May I suggest this time you add ricotta, arugula with dry tomato toppings?
- What? I hate vegetables.
- Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
- How do you know that?
- We cross-matched your phone number with your name and your online medical portal. We have the result of your blood tests for the past 7
years.
- Okay, but I do not want those toppings, I already take medicine ..
- Excuse me, but you have not taken your medicine regularly. We can see from our database, 4 months ago, you only purchased a box with 30
cholesterol tablets at CVS.
- I bought more from another pharmacy.
- Such a transaction is not showing in your credit card account.
- I paid in cash.
- But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your recent bank statement.
- I have another source of cash.
- That is not showing as per your latest tax return unless you obtained it from an undeclared income source.
WHAT ?
- "I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the intention of helping you.
- Enough! I'm sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp. I'm going to an Island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service
and no one to spy on me.
- "I understand sir but you'll need to renew your passport first as it expired 6 weeks ago.
2 x

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RustyMcNuggets
Posts: 795
Joined: Tue Mar 24, 2015 7:10 pm
Location: Illinois

Re: Funny Emails

Postby RustyMcNuggets » Wed Aug 02, 2017 2:54 pm

Bob and his best buddy Jim are out hiking.

Jim decides he needs to relieve himself and disappears behind a tree. All of a sudden Jim starts screaming in a panic, "Oh my God! I've been bit on the ass by a rattler! We're too far from the car! What do I do? I don't want to die!"

Bob pulls out his cell phone, "Hold on Jim. I'll call my doctor to see how I can save ya'!"

Bob's doctor picks up, "Doc? My buddy and I are hiking. He's been bit by a rattler and we're too far from a hospital. What can I do to save his life?"

Dr., "Do you have a pocket knife?"

Bob, "Yup."

Dr., "Grab your pocket knife and cut an x over the bite."

Bob, "Uh-huh.."

Dr., "Then you'll need to suck the poison out. Spit it out and wash your mouth out. Your friend will be fine."

Bob, "Okay Doc. Thank you."

Bob hangs up his cell phone.

Jim, "Well?!?! What the hell did the doctor say?"

Bob, "Sorry, Doc said you're going to die."
3 x

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DM1
Posts: 1222
Joined: Sun Mar 22, 2015 9:00 pm
Location: Illinois

Re: Funny Emails

Postby DM1 » Wed Aug 02, 2017 7:47 pm

> SMILE, IT'S A MINI DICTIONARY!
>
>
> BEAUTY PARLOR - A place where women curl up and dye.
> CHICKENS - The only animal you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
> COMMITTEE - A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
> DUST - Mud with the juice squeezed out.
> EGOTIST - Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation
> HANDKERCHIEF - Cold Storage
> INFLATION - Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
> MOSQUITO - An insect that makes you like flies better.
> RAISIN - A grape with a sunburn
> SECRET - A story you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON - A bunch of bones with the person scraped off
> TOOTHACHE - The pain that drives you to extraction.
> TOMORROW - One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
> YAWN - An honest opinion openly expressed.
> WRINKLES - Something other people have....similar to my character lines.
> OLD – When you confide in a friend that you are having an AFFAIR, and she asks, "Are you having it catered?"
3 x

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RustyMcNuggets
Posts: 795
Joined: Tue Mar 24, 2015 7:10 pm
Location: Illinois

Re: Funny Emails

Postby RustyMcNuggets » Tue Aug 08, 2017 12:20 pm

Mrs Smith's 3rd Grade Class is going over vocabulary.

Mrs Smith; "Okay children, I am going to give you an adjective and you raise your hand if you can use it twice in the same sentence. The first word is 'AMAZING'."
All of the children raised their hands except little Johnny. Mrs Smith points to Sally.
Sally stands up, "Our amazing dog Wilbur thinks the new chew toy we bought him is amazing."
Mrs Smith, "Great job Sally! Okay, 'HUGE'."
All of the children raised their hands except little Johnny. Mrs Smith points to Ian.
Ian stands up, "The huge plane landed on time at Atlanta's huge airport."
Mrs Smith, "Great job Sally! Okay, 'BEAUTIFUL'."
All of the children raised their hands and Mrs Smith notices little Johnny is raising his hand too.
Mrs Smith, "Glad to see you're wanting to participate Johnny. Stand up and give us your sentence."
Johnny stands up, "Last night my sixteen year old sister told my parents at the dinner table she was pregnant and my father put his head in his hands and said, 'beautiful, just f#@&ing beautiful!'"
2 x

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1-C
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Joined: Mon Mar 23, 2015 4:59 pm
Location: Funny California

Re: Funny Emails

Postby 1-C » Tue Aug 08, 2017 1:34 pm

Subject: Lawyers.

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Saskatchewan. (Trust me, it's a real name of a province in Canada.)

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in Canada and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Saskatchewan. We settle small disagreements like this, with the Saskatchewan Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Saskatchewan Three Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.

Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
3 x

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RustyMcNuggets
Posts: 795
Joined: Tue Mar 24, 2015 7:10 pm
Location: Illinois

Re: Funny Emails

Postby RustyMcNuggets » Thu Aug 10, 2017 4:04 pm

Mike is looking through the ads in the back of his local town's newspaper for a pet. He comes across an ad that says,
TALKING DOG. MUST GO! FREE TO GOOD HOME!
Mike calls the number and makes an appointment to go see the dog.
Mike goes to the owner's house and rings the doorbell. The owner greets him and asks him to come inside.
Mike, "So the ad says 'talking dog'. We both know he doesn't really talk. Does he bark a lot?"
Owner sits down in his recliner, picks up the newspaper, starts reading it and tells Mike from behind the newspaper, "No, he really talks. Go see for yourself. He's in the back bedroom, down the hallway on the right."
Mike walks down to the bedroom and finds the dog laying on his back on the bed and reading a magazine."
The dog looks from his magazine and asks, "Can I help you?"
Mike, "Holy crap! You can talk!"
Dog, "Yeah, so?"
Mike, "I'm just amazed that a dog can talk. Why aren't you in a show or doing something special with your gift?"
Dog, "When I was a puppy, the family I was with were musicians and I sang in their band."
Mike, "Really?"
Dog, "Yup. Then I went into the service and helped soldiers find land mines."
Mike, "No way!"
Dog, "Yes way. I experienced combat too. Saved a dozen men by dragging them to safety during a firefight in Iraq. When I got out of the service and awarded the silver star I went and helped find survivors in New York after 9/11."
Mike, "That's amazing!"
Mike walked back to the owner in the living room, who was still in the recliner reading the newspaper.
Mike says to the owner in disbelief, "Your dog has been the lead singer of a family band. He's saved soldiers lives by sniffing out land mines and dragging them to safety while in combat. On top of all that he helped find survivors after the 9/11 attacks! Why the hell would you want to get rid of this dog?"
The owner let part of the paper fold down to look at Mike. He then looked down the hallway towards the dog's room and screams, "BECAUSE HE'S A BIG FAT LIAR!"
1 x

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DM1
Posts: 1222
Joined: Sun Mar 22, 2015 9:00 pm
Location: Illinois

Re: Funny Emails

Postby DM1 » Tue May 01, 2018 7:16 pm

Aphorism is a statement of truth or opinion expressed in a concise and witty manner. The term is often applied to philosophical,
moral and literary principles.


♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

♦Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

♦America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

♦ Money talks ... but all mine ever says is good-bye.

♦ You're not fat, you're just easier to see.

♦ If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

♦ I can’t understand why women are OK that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."

♦ Denny’s has a slogan, "If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us." If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!

♦ The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can go in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

♦ I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

♦ Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

♦ The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
1 x


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