Funny Emails

Every so often, we might find a joke, cartoon or experience that is both funny and shareable. Post them here, and see if others can chuckle too.
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DM1
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Re: Funny Emails

Post by DM1 » Mon Nov 02, 2015 6:18 pm

This one has been around a while......

Sad News from Minnesota

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.
Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

If you smiled while reading this, please rise to the occasion and pass it on to someone having a crumby day and kneading a lift.
4 x

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CelticDragon
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Re: Funny Emails

Post by CelticDragon » Mon Nov 02, 2015 6:49 pm

Image
5 x

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DM1
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Re: Funny Emails

Post by DM1 » Sun Nov 08, 2015 8:14 pm

Comments made in the year 1955!


I' ll tell you one thing, if things
keep going the way they are,
it 's going to be impossible to
buy a week's groceries for $10.00.

Have you seen the new cars
coming out next year? It won't
be long before $1,000.00 will
only buy a used one.

If cigarettes keep going up in
price, I'm going to quit; 20 cents a pack is ridiculous.

Did you hear the post office is
thinking about charging 7 cents just to mail a letter.

If they raise the minimum wage
to $1.00, nobody will be able to
hire outside help at the store.

When I first started driving, who
would have thought gas would
someday cost 25 cents a gallon.
Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.

I'm afraid to send my kids to the
movies any more. Ever since they
let Clark Gable get by with saying
DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND,
it seems every new movie has
either HELL or DAMN in it.

I read the other day where some
scientist thinks it's possible to put
a man on the moon by the end of
the century. They even have some
fellows they call astronauts
preparing for it down in Texas.

Did you see where some baseball
player just signed a contract for
$50,000 a year just to play ball?
It wouldn’t surprise me if someday
they'll be making more than the President.

I never thought I'd see the day
all our kitchen appliances would
be electric. They're even making
electric typewriters now.

It's too bad things are so tough
nowadays. I see where a few
married women are having to work to make ends meet.

It won't be long before young
couples are going to have to hire
someone to watch their kids so
they can both work.

I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to
A whole lot of foreign business...

Thank goodness I won't live to
see the day when the Government
takes half our income in taxes. I
sometimes wonder if we are
electing the best people to
government.

The fast food restaurant is
convenient for a quick meal,
but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.

There is no sense going on short
trips anymore for a weekend. It
costs nearly $2.00 a night to stay in a hotel.

No one can afford to be sick
anymore. At $15.00 a day in
the hospital, it's too rich for
my blood.

If they think I'll pay 30 cents
for a haircut, forget it.

Know any friends who would get a kick out of these, pass this on!
2 x

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RustyMcNuggets
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Re: Funny Emails

Post by RustyMcNuggets » Wed Nov 11, 2015 5:32 pm

I was sent this joke from a friend today on this Veteran's Day. Thought I'd share.

A retired Army Colonel and a retired Navy Captain are sitting in the VFW celebrating their day and reminiscing. A few hours pass by and they're both tipsy.

The retired Navy Captain steps off his stool, burps and throws up down his shirt.

"OH NO!", The Captain cries. "My wife is going to kill me if I go home with this ruined shirt. She'll know I've been drinking!"

The Colonel looks at him, pats him on the back and says, "Don't worry about it. I gotcha' covered. Take a $10 bill and put it in yer' shirt pocket. When she sees the stain and accuses you of drinking you just reach into your shirt pocket, pull out the $10 and tell her someone at the VFW threw up on you and gave you 10 bucks for dry cleaning."

The Captain brightens up and says, "That's brilliant Colonel! Let's sit down again and I'll buy you another drink for the great advice."

Three hours later the Captain walks in his house. His wife sees the shirt stain and starts screaming, "OH MY GOSH! YOU GOT DRUNK AT THE VFW AND THREW UP ALL OVER YOURSELF!"

The Captain smiles at his wife and slurs out, "No honey. You gots-it-all wrong. Thish guy at the Vee Eff Dubbah-yah was drunk and threw-up on my shshshirt. There's 10 bucksh in my shirt pocket. He gave-me it for the dry cuh-leaning."

His wife reaches into the coat pocket, looks at the money and counts it, "Wait, there's 20 dollars here."

Captain answers his wife, "Oh yeah, that's right.. He crapped my pants too!"
7 x

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DM1
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Re: Funny Emails

Post by DM1 » Fri Oct 07, 2016 10:15 pm

> Subject: Fwd: The electric fence and the lawnmower
>
>>> Before you read this you better go pee and have a hanky on this one. It has to be the funniest thing I have ever read.
>>>>
>>>> If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you should read this.
>>>> The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without cursing.
>>>>
>>>> If you don't laugh hysterically at this,....CHECK YOUR PULSE...this is funny. This was sent by a retired dentist.
>>>>
>>>> We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
>>>>
>>>> Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
>>>>
>>>> One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
>>>>
>>>> It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
>>>>
>>>> Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
>>>>
>>>> Time stood still.
>>>>
>>>> The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
>>>>
>>>> It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
>>>>
>>>> Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
>>>>
>>>> At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences ... but Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.
>>>>
>>>> This one I could not let go of.. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
>>>>
>>>> 'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
>>>>
>>>> Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die ..... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
>>>>
>>>> So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day .... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writher in the misery my own stupidity had created.
>>>>
>>>> I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ....
>>>>
>>>> I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
>>>>
>>>> There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
>>>>
>>>> Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
>>>>
>>>> 1 - Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
>>>>
>>>> 2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
>>>>
>>>> 3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
>>>>
>>>> 4 - My left eye will not open.
>>>>
>>>> 5 - My right eye will not close.
>>>>
>>>> 6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
>>>>
>>>> 7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
>>>>
>>>> 8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).
>>>>
>>>> That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
>>>>
>>>> The good news is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
3 x

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DM1
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Re: Funny Emails

Post by DM1 » Fri Oct 07, 2016 11:05 pm

SEMPER FI

After retiring, a former Gunnery Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a High School teacher.
Just before the school year started, he injured his backand was required to wear a light plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable when he wore his suit coat.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a Marine veteran, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. A strong breeze blowing made his tie flap, so he picked up a large stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Dead Silence.The rest of the year went smoothly.
2 x

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1-C
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Re: Funny Emails

Post by 1-C » Sat Oct 08, 2016 7:40 am

:wideye: :affraid: Your next to last post here ... especially 3 through 7! Oh my!!! :lol:
2 x

AliceofCheshire
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Re: Funny Emails

Post by AliceofCheshire » Mon Nov 28, 2016 6:22 pm

[quote="DM1"]SEMPER FI

That was hysterical, DM, I had a really good laugh! OOORAH!! As my Dad used to say!

Alice
2 x

AliceofCheshire
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Re: Funny Emails

Post by AliceofCheshire » Mon Nov 28, 2016 6:37 pm

RustyMcNuggets wrote:I was sent this joke from a friend today on this Veteran's Day. Thought I'd share.
Just read this one and got a great laugh. Really Funny! Ooorah!
2 x

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RustyMcNuggets
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Location:Illinois

Re: Funny Emails

Post by RustyMcNuggets » Mon Dec 05, 2016 11:54 am

You may have heard these two before..

A young Indian Brave walks into his Holyman's teepee..
Brave, "Holyman, you name all the children when they are born. How do you come up with names?
Holyman, "When I hear the newborn's first cries I look out of my teepee and what I see I name them. When your father was born I looked out and saw an eagle soaring through the sky and named him Flying Eagle.."
Brave, "Wow!"
Holyman, "..and when I heard your mother's first cry I looked out and saw a family of deer passing swiftly over the field and named her Running Dear.."
Brave, "Woah!"
Holyman looks down at the curious young brave and says, "So tell me Two Dogs Screwing, why do you ask?"

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

A man is working double time at his job and desperately needs sleep.
One night he's awoken at 1:30am to a loud pounding coming from his roof.
He gets up, grabs a flashlight, walks out the front door and views the roof with his flashlight.
While he scans the roof he sees a gorilla. In disbelief he mumbles to himself, "No. That can't be right."
The man, still drowsy, wipes his eyes and shakes his head to shake the sleepiness off. He then shines the flashlight back up towards the roof. There he sees his eyes didn't deceive him, it is indeed a gorilla on his roof. "You gotta be kidding me! A gorilla?"
The man walks back inside and reaches for the phone book. He looks up "animal control" and sees they are not on call. He decides to take a million to one shot at "exterminators" and flips through the pages. Miraculously he finds "Gorilla Exterminator". He grabs the phone and calls the number listed. The exterminator answers to which the man explains he's been working double time, is in desperate need of sleep and indeed has a gorilla on his roof.
Exterminator, "Well, my partner is out of town on vacation, but if you are willing to give me a hand I can drive over and be there in ten minutes."
Man, "Sure. I can help you!"
Ten minutes later a van arrives and the Exterminator exits the van. The man meets him at his van's side door..
The exterminator opens the door. He grabs a ladder and places it against the house. He walks back to the van and grabs a baseball bat, handcuffs and a shot gun. The exterminator then let's a dog out of the van, to which the dog sits in the middle of the yard and looks straight up at the roof where the gorilla is.
Exterminator, "Here, take the shot gun and the handcuffs. I'm going to get up on the roof with this baseball bat and knock the gorilla off the roof"
Man, "Okay.."
The Exterminator points toward the dog, "When the gorilla is on the ground, that dog is trained to go after a gorilla's privates.."
Man, "Okay.."
Exterminator, "When the dog goes after the gorilla's privates that gorilla is going to try and protect it's privates by putting it's hands over it's privates. When the gorilla does that you slap the hand-cuffs on the gorilla and we're good to go. Problem solved."
Man, "Okay, but what's the shotgun for?"
Exterminator, "If I miss my swing at the gorilla and I fall off the roof, YOU SHOOT THAT FRIGGIN' DOG!"
3 x

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